I’ve got a story about a seven-year-old who out-coached her own father. But first, you need to meet Byron Katie.

Freedom From Our Own Suffering
Byron Katie is the author of Loving What Is, and her core insight is simple: it’s not situations that cause our suffering, it’s the thoughts we believe about the situations. As she puts it: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them I didn’t suffer […]” She goes further to suggest, “suffering is optional.” That got my attention!

Six years ago I wrote about a book that had me questioning how long, how often, and in how many ways my own mind was working against me. It was called Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps by Jennifer Garvey Berger. I recommended it to everyone I knew, wrote about it in a blog in 2020, and it’s still popping up in my life more often than most things I’ve read.

You know that feeling when you’re halfway through a meeting, and you suddenly catch yourself thinking, “Wait, why do I actually believe that?” That pause, that tiny moment of stepping outside your own brain to look at it sideways… that, my friend, is metacognition in action, and it might just be the most underrated leadership skill of our time.

Have you ever been in the middle of a frustrating meeting, a difficult conversation, or a parenting moment, and thought, who IS this person, and why are they wearing my face?
You snapped when you meant to listen. You shut down when you meant to lead. You defaulted to some version of you that felt suspiciously like your 14-year-old self.

I’ve been sitting with something Susan David shared in her newsletter late last year. It just won’t leave me alone. She distinguished between cultures of “human doing” versus “human being,” noting that when we evaluate people solely on output, we abandon a human-first approach. Her punch line got me: “The best workplaces don’t just measure what you do, they recognize who you are.”

You know that feeling when you’re leading through a high-stakes moment, like a big presentation, a difficult conversation, a critical decision, and there’s this whole internal drama happening that nobody else can see? Your chest is tight, your inner critic is running commentary, and you’re working twice as hard to look calm on the outside as you are to actually do the work itself?

I’ve been wrestling with a slightly uncomfortable idea lately. After coaching leaders to “show up authentically” and “bring your whole self to work” (words I’ve probably uttered many times), I recently encountered research that challenges this well-worn mantra in ways I couldn’t ignore. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic’s work on authenticity has forced me to reconsider what I thought I knew about effective leadership.

Picture this: You’re coaching a brilliant leader who keeps sabotaging their own success. Or you’re watching a new hire struggle in a role where their predecessor thrived. What’s really going on? It’s probably not what you think.

Let me guess – you woke up this morning, checked your calendar, saw that big presentation/ courageous conversation/important decision looming, and immediately thought: “I have no idea what I’m doing,” and you could physically feel the heat rise to your cheeks and your breath become shallow.

You’re about to deliver a high-stakes presentation when that familiar voice pipes up – “You’re going to mess this up. Remember what happened last time?” Your immediate instinct is probably to tell that voice to shut up and go away. But what if it might actually be your most dedicated employee, just badly in need of some better management?