What We’re Doing Wrong And How to Fix It

Most of us are terrible listeners. There, I said it. It’s true! We’re so busy formulating what we hope to be a brilliant response, checking our phones, or mentally rehearsing what we’re going to say next that we miss the actual human sitting in front of us. 

This uncomfortable truth hit me when I dove into Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection by Christian van Nieuwerburgh and Robert Biswas-Diener. The book offers a framework that moves beyond simply hearing words to actively co-creating meaning and connection. It sounds fancy but is actually what we should have been doing all along.

What Are You Really Listening For?

The authors present a brilliant framework that essentially holds up a mirror to our listening habits and asks, “What exactly are you trying to accomplish here?” They outline six different reasons we listen … some more noble than others.

• When we listen to connect, we’re tuning into commonalities and admirable qualities. This is the “Oh wow, you also binge-watched three seasons of that show in one weekend?” kind of listening. It’s lovely and it builds rapport, but it can also keep conversations pretty surface-level.
• Appreciative listening focuses on another person’s point of view, experiences, or efforts. This is where we start getting into the good stuff; actually caring about what someone else has been through. A revolutionary concept, I know.
• Then there’s listening in order to influence, where we’re zeroing in on someone’s motivation, values, and conviction. Now, before you get judgy about this one, remember that influence isn’t inherently evil. Sometimes you need to understand what drives someone to work effectively with them. The key is whether you’re listening to manipulate or to genuinely connect.
• The framework gets really interesting when we consider listening to understand. Moving away from critique toward openness to key concepts. This is where most of us start sweating because it requires us to put down our mental red pen and consider that we might not know everything. Yuck, I know.
• Problem-solving listening focuses on details, causes, and processes. This is where many leaders live because it’s comfortable territory. Someone presents a problem, we listen for the fix, we provide the solution, everyone goes away happy. Except when they don’t. Because sometimes people don’t want solutions – they want to be heard.
• Finally, there’s listening to learn; focusing on novel or confusing ideas and concepts that link to our own knowledge. This is the gold standard – the listening equivalent of that perfect morning coffee that makes you believe anything is possible.

Why This Matters in Leadership

In my practice, I see leaders defaulting to problem-solving listening about 80% of the time. Someone shares a challenge, and we immediately jump to solution mode. But sometimes your team members aren’t looking for you to fix their issue; they’re looking for you to understand what it feels like to be drowning in deadlines while trying to maintain quality.

I worked with a leader recently who was frustrated that her “open door policy” wasn’t working. People would come to her with issues, she’d offer solutions, and somehow they’d leave looking deflated. When we explored her listening approach, we discovered she was exclusively in problem-solving mode. Radical listening transcends traditional concepts of listening, and that’s exactly what she needed to learn.

A beautiful question

The breakthrough came when she started listening to understand first, then asking, “Are you looking for me to help solve this, or do you need me to understand what you’re experiencing?” Game changer. Suddenly, her team felt heard, and they became more open to her solutions when solutions were actually needed.

The Connection Revolution

When we truly listen to someone, we’re doing something radical in our distracted world: we’re giving them our complete attention. That’s rare. That’s radical. We’re saying, “Your thoughts, your experience, your perspective matter. You matter.” As the world leans more and more into AI, we need people to know they matter. 

The irony is that when we listen to truly understand rather than to respond, people feel more connected to us. And when they feel connected, they’re more likely to respect our stance and even be influenced by us (if that’s appropriate). When they feel understood, they’re more open to our problem-solving. It’s like the listening hierarchy of needs and you can’t skip steps.

This work has changed how I show up in every conversation, from coffee meetings with clients to dinner conversations with my family. Am I listening to connect? To understand? To solve? Being intentional about my listening purpose has made me a better coach, leader, and human being.

A Listening Challenge For You

The next time someone starts talking to you, try this: pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What am I listening for right now?” You might be surprised how much more you hear when you’re clear about why you’re listening in the first place.