“The Dark Psychology Trick Epictetus Used to Make People Respect Him Instantly.” This was the subject line of an email I received that I just had to open. It was written by Stoicminds and published on Medium. What hooked me was the email’s subject line. I didn’t know who Epictetus was, but the reference to “dark psychology” intrigued me.

The article wasn’t about the horrific experiences of Epictetus’ early life (I did a little research), as you might expect (he was born into slavery in present-day Turkey in the 1st and 2nd centuries), it was about conflict, and leadership, and that very specific, very human moment when you’re about to say exactly the wrong thing and some part of you knows it.

Epictetus became one of the most psychologically resilient figures and most influential Stoic philosophers in history. His secret: he didn’t win arguments. He eliminated the need for them.

When Winning Is Actually Losing

Here’s something I’ve observed in working with leaders who spend their time in boardrooms, non-profit strategy sessions, and government offices alike: the people most determined to win an argument are usually the ones ensuring nothing ever actually gets resolved. The win becomes the point. The issue gets buried under ego and positioning, and everyone goes home feeling righteous and stuck.

I’ve been that person. My guess is you have too.

What Epictetus understood, with a heck of a lot more at stake than a quarterly review, was that making yourself immune to another person’s aggression is infinitely more powerful than any comeback you could craft. When someone can’t destabilize you, their argument loses its fuel. You’ve already won before the first word is exchanged.

The question is: how do you get there?

Four Sentences, Twelve Seconds

Epictetus offers four questions to ask yourself in the heat of a conflict, internally, before you respond; in that crucial pause between stimulus and reaction. Here they are, with a modern leadership scenario attached to each.

• “Is this in my control?”

Your CFO challenges your strategic direction in front of the full leadership team.

You feel the heat rise in your body. But is their opinion yours to control? What about their tone? The answer is, no. What is in your control is your response, your reasoning, your demeanour. Redirect your energy there. The escalation suddenly has nowhere to go.

• “What does this say about me — and what does it say about them?”

Same meeting. The CFO’s challenge feels pointed, maybe personal. Consider their reaction to be data about their state. Perhaps it’s fear, pressure, or a need to be heard. Your reaction is also data about your state. The leader who examines both sides of that equation simultaneously has an advantage no amount of rhetoric can touch.

• “Would a good person do what I’m about to do?”

This isn’t the same as, “am I right?”. That question throws gasoline on the fire. Instead, ask, “Is what I’m about to do consistent with who I want to be as a leader?” It’s easy to be a good leader when everything’s going smoothly. Character shows up in the moments when the cheap shot is right there and would absolutely land.

• “What would I advise a friend to do right now?”

This one is sneaky in its effectiveness. We are almost always better advisors to others than to ourselves, because we’re not tangled up in their pride. So manufacture that distance. What would you tell a colleague you respect, standing exactly where you’re standing right now? I promise the answer isn’t “say the thing that ends careers.”

Disrupt Your Default

I work with leaders every day who are genuinely trying to grow, and this is what I tell them:

An argument wants you on autopilot. It wants you reactive, defensive, dug in, and accelerating. That’s how conflicts consume us, our teams, our organizations.

Your job, which takes practice, is to disrupt that default; to pause before the autopilot kicks in; to proceed with intention instead of reaction.

This is the liberating part: you are accountable for only one person’s behaviour in any conflict, and that person is you. Not your CFO’s tone, not your board member’s passive-aggression, not your colleague who consistently takes credit for shared work. Just you, your response, your posture, your next move.

That’s the most sophisticated form of leadership power there is.

Epictetus learned this in slavery, with no margin for error. You get to learn it the next time someone challenges you in a meeting and you feel that familiar heat.

The pause is the practice. Three seconds, four questions. Start there.

Curious what your default autopilot looks like under pressure? That’s the kind of thing we dig into together. Reach out. I’d love to have the conversation.