Truth and clarity or harmony and connection

In my work as a leader and leadership coach, I’ve noticed something fascinating about the interplay between emotional intelligence and assertiveness. While we often celebrate high emotional intelligence (EQ) as the hallmark of effective leadership, I’ve come to realize that without a corresponding high assertiveness quotient (AQ), even the most emotionally intelligent among us can fall short of our leadership potential. It’s like having a high-performance sports car with no gas pedal – all that emotional horsepower with nowhere to go.

An article that speaks about this so wonderfully popped into my inbox a few weeks ago. I was drawn in by the subtitle – “I had 50 painfully uncomfortable conversations with strangers to practice being assertive under pressure. Here’s what I learned.” I love how the author, Daniel Shiner, describes his personal journey of trying to increase his AQ through intentionally creating uncomfortable situations. The article is here.

Emotional Intelligence can be a Double-Edged Sword

Emotional intelligence as defined by Daniel Goleman is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our emotions and influence the emotions of others, has rightfully earned its place in leadership development. Leaders with high Emotional Quotient (being aware of one’s own feelings and how they impact others) build stronger relationships, foster trust, and create psychologically safe environments where innovation thrives.

But here’s the paradox I’ve experienced firsthand: High EQ, without sufficient assertiveness, can undermine leadership effectiveness.

Those of us blessed (or cursed) with heightened sensitivity to others’ emotions often find ourselves trapped in a cycle of overthinking. We become so preoccupied with how our words and actions might affect others that we hesitate to speak difficult truths, make unpopular decisions, or speak up for ourselves. What begins as empathy can morph into social anxiety and conflict avoidance. You know you’re in trouble when you spend more time drafting and redrafting a simple email than you spent on your college thesis, because you’re worried about the emotional fallout of your message.

Some of my clients describe during critical meetings, that they sense tension in the room and shift into emotional caretaking mode – softening their message, avoiding direct feedback, and remaining silent when they know they should have spoken up. Essentially, their high EQ (a leadership plus) was driving their Assertiveness Quotient down (a leadership negative). 

The Missing Ingredient: Assertiveness

What I’ve come to believe is that exceptional leaders pair their emotional intelligence with a high assertiveness quotient. This isn’t about being aggressive or domineering; it’s about:

• Speaking truth with clarity and compassion
  “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” ~ Brené Brown
• Setting clear boundaries and expectations
• Having difficult conversations promptly
• Making decisions with conviction, even when unpopular
• Advocating for oneself and one’s team

Leaders who balance high EQ with high AQ create an environment of both psychological safety and accountability. They understand the emotional landscape but don’t become paralyzed by it.

Building Assertiveness is Hard

Most of us develop emotional intelligence naturally and over our lifetimes, through relationships and experiences. Assertiveness, on the other hand, often requires intentional cultivation, especially for those who tend toward people-pleasing or conflict avoidance.

Increasing our AQ is challenging because it requires us to tolerate discomfort. It means sitting with the anxiety that comes from knowing we might disappoint someone, trigger a negative reaction, or face rejection. It requires that we value truth and clarity as much as harmony and connection. 

Self-reflection moment: Do you value truth and clarity as much as harmony and connection? If not, what is the relative split between them? What do you value more and by how much? 

For me, building assertiveness has been a deliberate practice. I’ve had to learn that discomfort in a conversation doesn’t equal harm, and that by avoiding difficult conversations, I was denying others the opportunity to grow and address issues directly.

Let’s just say my assertiveness training included bathroom mirror pep talks and pre-meeting visualization exercises where I imagined myself as a calm, authoritative figure instead of someone fighting the urge to apologize for breathing too loudly. Unfortunately, the transformation doesn’t happen overnight, and you might still occasionally find yourself apologizing when someone else steps on your foot.

Assertiveness = Authentic Connection

What’s remarkable is how increasing assertiveness transforms both professional and personal relationships. That’s not something I would have believed 30 years ago. But when coupled with emotional intelligence, assertiveness creates a foundation for authentic connection. Rather than walking on eggshells around each other, we can engage honestly while still honouring each other’s humanity.

In the workplace, high-EQ / high-AQ leaders create cultures where feedback flows freely, innovation flourishes, and problems get solved efficiently. Teams know where they stand and feel both challenged and supported.

In personal relationships, this balance allows for deeper intimacy. We can share our true thoughts and feelings without fear, knowing that we can handle whatever arises from our honesty.

Finding Your Balance

If you struggle with assertiveness, start with small steps, like voicing a differing opinion in a low-stakes situation, practice saying “no” without extensive justification, or initiate a conversation you’ve been avoiding. Balancing EQ and AQ may be the most important development work you do as a leader. Because when emotional intelligence meets assertiveness, exceptional leadership emerges.