Why what happens at work stings so much

Most of us care about our work. We take pride in how we perform, what we achieve, and the relationships we build. Some of us take what happens at work deeply personally and, when things go sideways, we feel personally responsible and it weighs heavy. Constructive criticism, setbacks, difficult decisions, and tough conversations can cause some people to question their ability and if they are worthy of their role. We’ve all heard of imposter syndrome, but what can we do when we feel personally responsible for the negative things that happen at work?

While passion and dedication are vital and to be commended, taking work too personally can lead to extra stress, burnout, and a skewed perspective of our own self-worth. When what happens at work becomes a primary source of our identity, it can be difficult to break free from it, but it’s crucial if you find it affecting your wellbeing.

Pay Attention

When you take something personally, your brain goes into overdrive, thinking you’re under attack. It sees the situation as a threat – to your abilities, your social status, or even whether or not you belong. Signal your (very human) default fear response. You might feel hurt, defensive, anxious, or even angry – totally normal emotions, but not always appropriate for the situation. The trick is to not let your emotions control you or your actions. Recognizing a “trigger” (what has upset you) is the first step in telling your brain that you can take control of the situation.

Pause, Breath, Reframe

Upon recognizing that you’ve been triggered, take a step away from the situation if you can, to give yourself time to cool down and think clearly. Pausing can help you step back and look at things objectively rather than assuming the worst and jumping to an emotional reaction. Even a short break and some intentional deep breathing allows you time to challenge your quick assumptions and consider greater context of the situation.

If a coworker seems annoyed with what you’re saying, don’t assume they don’t value you; maybe they are distracted, don’t understand the topic, or have had a difficult day. Instead of giving into your emotions, ask curious, clarifying questions and allow them to explain. This can help you understand their intentions and keep things in perspective.

Reframe negative thoughts by changing your internal narrative. Instead of thinking, “This is a disaster,” think, “This is a challenge and I can handle it. What am I assuming? What do I not know? What can I learn?”

It’s easy to take work setbacks personally and start doubting yourself and it’s normal to feel frustrated. But they don’t have to define you. Viewing failures as learning experiences and telling yourself you are able to handle them allows you to handle the unpredictable and messy (human) nature of work without letting it mess with your self-esteem.

Long-Term

The strategies above are useful in the moment, but if you can get a handle on your pervasive tendency to take things personally, you’ll find more enjoyment and success in the long term.

• Recognize the types of situations that bring you anxiety or have you questioning your worth
• Notice the emotions that appear for you and consider what might be at play to make you feel these things
• Consider what knowledge and skills you would benefit from learning in order to increase your confidence in your role
• Identify boundaries that protect your wellbeing, like setting limits on your availability so you aren’t triggered outside of the work environment, and learning to say no when you are feeling overwhelmed
• Pay attention to lifestyle factors, like exercise, diet, and sleep, which can help you keep your emotional responses reasonable

Remember, taking things personally at work doesn’t mean you’re weak. It shows you’re passionate, committed, and care a lot about your job. By looking at situations more objectively, you can handle your work with more clarity, balance, and effectiveness.