And wondering, who the hell is this?!

Have you ever been in the middle of a frustrating meeting, a difficult conversation, or a parenting moment, and thought, who IS this person, and why are they wearing my face?

You snapped when you meant to listen. You shut down when you meant to lead. You defaulted to some version of you that felt suspiciously like your 14-year-old self. 

Being human is messy. On particularly messy days, it feels as though all the maturing we’ve done has been for nothing because we’ve reverted back to feeling like a child or worse, behaving like an awkward, uncertain teenager. It’s like we’ve been possessed. Overly dramatic? Maybe, but also, no. To put it kindly, we are not exactly “at our best.”

Welcome to Fallback

Researcher and author Valerie Livesay uses the term Fallback to describe what happens when life’s harder moments summon our smaller, shadowier selves to the stage. And not just a little shuffle into the wings; we’re talking a full dramatic entrance, spotlight and all, completely uninvited.

Fallback shows up in our most valued relationships, our most pressured leadership moments, our most “I really thought I was past this” situations. It’s the moment when all the personal growth, the therapy, the leadership development, the intentions seem to evaporate, and you are left behaving in ways that don’t match who you thought you were.

BUT! … Fallback isn’t a character flaw. It’s a developmental reality and no one is immune.

As adults, we’re always in some stage of growth; as individuals, leaders, teams, organizations. And growth is not a clean, linear march forward. Sometimes we fall back to earlier stages of development, earlier versions of mind (more on this in a recent blog). It can feel destabilizing, even childlike. Like you’ve temporarily lost access to your most capable, grounded self, and some earlier operating system has rebooted without your permission.

Most of us try to slam the door on those parts; pretend they aren’t there; keep them locked away; and pray no one else has noticed.

But the problem, as Livesay identifies with precision, is that [paraphrased], when we deny the less flattering pieces of us, it breeds more fallback. Banishing them doesn’t work; it builds pressure.

So What Does Work?

Livesay invites us to notice the not-so-great parts, get curious about them, and recognize that they usually have something to say worth hearing.

This resonates closely with a beautiful new book, “Love Bites,” by Ila Edgar. The author describes it as “An invitation to feel beautifully, deliciously human” through meeting each of your emotions, as if they were a character with their own personality, gifts, and wisdom. Edgar’s Hello Love philosophy understands that real self-love isn’t about always performing at your best, but having the grace and courage to meet all of yourself, especially the parts that are still figuring things out.

That’s the invitation in Fallback: not to achieve perfect leadership or permanent emotional regulation (good luck to all of us), but to shorten the gap between falling back and finding your way forward again.

But how?

• Notice when you’ve fallen back
• Give yourself grace in those moments (this is lifelong work, not a one-time fix)
• Get curious instead of critical (what part of you just showed up, what is it responding to, and what could it be telling you?)
• Trust that you will return to your more grounded, capable self (because you will)
• Start to understand your patterns, so the gap between Fallback and recovery gets smaller over time

This is the slow, unglamorous, deeply worthwhile work of adult development (more on that in a recent blog). And it doesn’t stop when you get promoted, when your kids move out, or when you’ve clocked enough hours in therapy to feel like you should have this sorted.

Fallback is an invitation toward greater wholeness, if you let it be.

The goal isn’t to become someone who never falls back. The goal is to become someone who knows the way home, and to stop being ashamed when the journey turns out to be longer than expected. We’re all in it. Even the leaders who look like they have it completely together (especially them, actually).

Interested in exploring what it means to live and lead with more wholeness and self-compassion? Check out Ila Edgar’s Hello Love movement, and pick up Valerie Livesay’s work on Fallback. Both are worth your time.