And How You Can Become an Exceptional Leader

In my last blog, I wrote about how becoming aware of anxiety (making it “object” instead of being “subject” to it) can change your leadership game. We talked about the invisible lenses we wear that shape everything we see without us even noticing. This time, I want to talk about why understanding ‘forms of mind’ might save your sanity when dealing with your team.

The person on your team who makes you want to bang your head against your desk isn’t necessarily difficult…hear me out … they might just be seeing the world through completely different lenses than you are (and that doesn’t make them wrong).

My “I Get To” Revolution

Before we dive into workplace dynamics, let me tell you about my personal subject-object move (if you need a refresher, read my last blog) that has nothing to do with leadership and everything to do with staying sane.

For years, I felt like I “had to” work out. I dragged myself out for my daily walks, often in the pouring rain, like I was trudging to my execution. Exercise was this external obligation; this thing that healthy people do, right up there with flossing.

I was subject to the cultural narrative about exercise. It controlled me, shaped my resentful relationship with my body, and made workouts feel like punishment.

Then I heard someone say: You don’t “have to” walk. You “get to” walk. As I thought about it, I experienced a profound shift in my mindset. 

My body is healthy enough to be able to walk, and that is a blessing. It’s not a given, it’s a gift. Making that shift from subject to object (from being controlled by external expectations to choosing my relationship with exercise) transformed everything.

Now when I step outside, I’m grateful, regardless of the weather. Not influencer-fake-grateful, actually grateful that my knees still work and my lungs still function and this amazing human body still has some mileage left in it.

Same activity, completely different experience. That’s the power of the subject-object move.

Back to Your Impossible Team Member

Let’s call her Maya. Maya is smart, capable, and drives you absolutely bonkers because she cannot seem to make a decision without checking with you first, then checking with three other people, then coming back to you again looking stressed and torn.

You, meanwhile, pride yourself on being decisive. You gather the data, make the call, and move on. You’ve told Maya multiple times to trust her judgment. She nods, agrees, and then does the exact same thing next time.

Maya might not be operating from the same form of mind as you are.

The Forms of Mind Playbook

Jennifer Garvey Berger’s work illuminates how leaders at different developmental stages see completely different worlds. Let me paint you a picture of the progressive forms of mind in leadership using one of her examples.

Imagine you have a previously high-performing team member – let’s call him Sam this time – who’s suddenly underperforming. You’ve talked to him, but he keeps deflecting. How you handle this depends entirely on your form of mind.

• With a self-sovereign mind (rare in adult leaders but worth understanding), it’s simple: Sam was good, now he’s not, time to move on. Black and white.
• With a socialized mind, you’re embedded in Sam’s perspective and the expectation that you should be a supportive leader. You might avoid the hard conversation because you’re so invested in being seen as kind. You might even do his work for him, hoping he’ll eventually come around.
• With a self-authored mind, you can hold both Sam’s perspective AND your own. You have empathy for his struggle, but you also see the impact on the rest of the team. You can have the hard conversation about expectations while remaining compassionate.
• And with the rare self-transforming mind, you see the entire system. You recognize that this moment could be an opportunity for the whole team to build resilience, practice supporting each other, and grow together, regardless of whether Sam stays or goes.

Why This Matters for Leaders

Back to our friend, Maya. If she’s operating from a socialized mind, she’s genuinely embedded in the perspectives of everyone around her. When you tell her to trust her judgment and the finance team tells her to be more risk-averse, she’s not being indecisive, she’s experiencing an internal tearing, as though parts of herself are at war.

You, operating from a self-authored mind, with your clear internal compass, can’t understand why she doesn’t just make a choice. But she literally sees the world differently than you do.

This doesn’t mean Maya is deficient or needs to be “fixed.” It means your coaching approach needs to account for where she actually is, not where you think she should be.

A Leadership Superpower

Understanding forms of mind gives you a map. Not to judge people or put them in boxes, but to meet them where they are.

When you recognize that Maya is embedded in others’ perspectives, you can help her start to separate what she thinks from what others think. You can support her development rather than getting frustrated by her lack of decisiveness.

When you understand that the new guy, who always needs clear rules (self-sovereign mind), isn’t being difficult; he genuinely relies on external authority and you can provide the structure he needs while gently encouraging growth.

This is advanced leadership work. It requires you to have done your own subject-object moves and to have developed your own self-awareness about what form of mind you’re operating from.

Start with yourself

• Where are you operating from?
• When do you fall back into a socialized mind, shaped by others’ expectations?
• When can you access your self-authored compass?

Now, get curious about your team

Not in a “let me diagnose everyone” way (please don’t), but in a “what might be happening beneath the surface” way. The person who frustrates you most might just be seeing a completely different world than you are. And once you see that (once you make it object) you can figure out how to bridge the gap.

This isn’t just better leadership, this is exceptional leadership, and in our increasingly complex world, it might be the only kind of leadership that actually works.

This blog series is inspired by the groundbreaking work of Jennifer Garvey Berger on adult development and forms of mind, particularly her book “Changing on the Job: How leaders become courageous, wise, and steady in an anxious world,” and Bill Abbate’s insights on Subject-Object Theory.